12:19 p.m.
Monday, January 13, 2003
O_______O COME BACK TO LIFE MY PRETTY...dead journal. Ive been posting in my LJ only..so thought Id muddy up this here journael as wall. (speeling mistekes intentianlys) ^^ Anywho..here are my last week or two entries..bubye. If anyone checks this. Which I bet they dont. Mwah! Monday, January 13, 2003 12:00PM - *yawns* Oi...I slept for 11 hours last night..and I'm still tired. That means Ive slept a total of 22 hours in...80 something. not bad..better than last week ^___^ Gotta mail some cds today... Oh! And I pissed someone off yesterday online! Arnt i grand!? But hey, I cant help my feelings of inadequacy. It's just me.Tis ok though..ya know. *nod nod* It is juuuuuust fine...I guess. I really should get some more sleep today.. And I think I'll post my last entries in my blog..just to bring it back to life.. *attaches wires...bzzt* IT LIVES!...IT LIVES!...AHHHHHH ITS EATING ME.. ok.. anyway ^^; the addy is: http://jaceknight.pitas.com tis prettier than lj...i think.. Current mood: awake (comment on this) Sunday, January 12, 2003 8:57AM - O________O Another night with only 4 hours sleep. I look like this @___@ and everyone at work thinks im on drugs. WEEEE *spins around in his chair* Im bored... Gonna go cause more mayhem. Maybe set a trash can on fire. again. ta ta! (3 comments | comment on this) Saturday, January 11, 2003 8:33AM Hmm...ok..im writing this on my desktop thing and theres no subject line...so...the subject shall be.. Happy! Im in a good mood this morning, mostly cause ive had about 7 hours sleep since thursday and was inhaling cherry cokes at 5am, but im feelin good! At work at the moment though... One day im going to have a conversation with my journal, to show that it truly is a LIVE journal *maniacle laughter* ttfn Current mood: cheerful Current music: BoA- amazing kiss (5 comments | comment on this) 8:33AM - here it is! stupid thing was hiding...*beats it* (comment on this) Friday, January 10, 2003 8:43PM - happy.. Ok, my friend is fine..and thats a big load off.. Pet is fine..*another anvil lifts* MJ is fine..*another anvil gone* and I love my sis even more for being just who she is. All in all, im good. Current mood: cheerful (7 comments | comment on this) Thursday, January 9, 2003 5:29AM - omg. o man..im scared..I just found out one of my friends tried to kill herself..we were talking to her...and i thought she was ok...i never thought sh woud really try and kill herself..o man.. i dontknow what to do.. i just ad to write this..my hands are..wow...lease let her be ok.. (1 comment | comment on this) Wednesday, January 8, 2003 1:21AM - sigh... Why the hell am I writing here again? .. .... .......... ............ ................ ................... ........................ ........................... ................................ Fear the dots. I wish there was more to do here at work..but this is a slow month...so I get to sit here and do nothing.. Ya know.. Its been a while since i wrote an impromptu poem so why not... under the stars full moon light smiling eyes reflet their light soft skin against mine, brush of your hair the touch of your lips take me there the place for us, where no one can find under moons sky where you are mine waters crash upon rocks at sea your body shakes, you lean into me I pull you close, whisper my love moon light falls like rain from above ok, i want to end this badly, so ill stop now. hmm...what to do... gah..theres so much I want to write but I can't cause people will think im writing it only so others will feel sorry for me or something.....I HATE LIFE! Gah... I hope this doesnt last for more than a week cause it really scared me. Have I said that? Ya know...then I do crawl out of this whole this journal will probably die... (2 comments | comment on this) 12:30AM - lala....laaaaaaaaaaaaa Well, just went around the entire AL board and couldnt post at a single place. I dont know whats happening to me, I've never been at a loss for words, and now I get to lose more friends cause I can think of nothing witty to say, or hold a decent convo. If I could talk to poeple like this it would be different, but I cant. I can't even write cause I'm afraid ill kill off someone, then post it. Like i told the admin at AL, I do stuff I regret when I'm like this...like deleting myself from a msg board after being there for almost a year...it's the helplessness of feeling like someone else is controlling your body. No, there arn't two people inside of me, but I just dont know me anymore. Hmm what did I do today...went home..went to bed...woke up..took some pills...burned some cds and talked to a few people who now know just how strange I am, drove to the video store and got a movie....came home, back to computer, oh, and saw my wife somewhere between here there and her friends, then movie time...with everyone. 6 people...very...enjoyable. I laughed, I acted crazy, I wanted to scream. Oh, and pizza. Dont ever, ever forget the pizza. It will come back to haunt you, trust me. Now I'm at work, and another day has fled..and another will start tomorrow... I'm trying to make a BoA tag...atleast her videos make me smile^^ Ah, and now im being rude to potential friends on aim, arnt I glorious. Sorry Lance, know you'll never see this, but it had to be said. Which reminds me..I need to apologize to everyone im in RPGs with..ive let them go over stupid stuff...need to get them going again before i get in trouble...does the cirlce never stop? Current mood: blah Current music: BoA (3 comments | comment on this) Tuesday, January 7, 2003 1:50AM - A long post in a long while Ok, I think NO ONE reads this anymore, so I feel pretty safe writing here... Been a few months since I last posted in this journal, or any for that matter. Not alot has changed, though I changed forums but thats nothing big, though I do love my new one and consinder it home. Question for the day! Do you ever feel like a third, used, wheel? It seems that IRL I'm feeling like this alot, cause no matter how many compliments, encouragement, or anything of the sort I get I'm never good enough for myself, thus I don't feel good enough for anyone else. I sometimes have to ask myself why I have such a great wife, when I'm great at nothing. I suck at writing, not good at making graphics, I do my job well, but it's a job. Then we have Online, where you are supposed to be free to feel more like yourself. For a while it works out great, and I just feel so natural talking to people, joking around, etc. But then comes the time when that "thing" creeps back up on you without you knowing it and starts dragging you down. Now I notice that the only time im IMed is either to relay a msg, answer a question, or if the person is just to bored to sit there alone when a nice victim is available. This usualy happens early in the mornings, when you're on and you're imed by someone that NEVER ims you, talk for 30-40 minutes, then the person disappears. I never im people because for some reason I always assume they are busy. I mean come on, who the hell would want to talk to me? I'm boring. I'm not single, so that automatcily closes off friendly conversations. Oh, and I know this is a "O why Me?" Post, but like i said, I waited 2 months, if not 3, when i know no one reads this anymore ^_^ So bite me. (Yes journal, you!) Ok, so we have covered all that ground in a short period of time. I don't know whats wrong with me. Sometimes I just want to die. Don't ask me why, because I dont even know myself. Just seems easier...though I don't believe I would ever be so selfish as to harm myself to the point of death, even though I've purposefully overdosed before... ...seems that for some reason when Im feeling like this its my fault. I don't know what I do, but I just drive people away and it makes me insane trying to see what im doing wrong. I don't want to be popular, loved, anything like that, dont get me wrong. All I want is true friends. So far..Ive had one true and i mean TRUE friend. Her name is Hade, but of course like everything else, she left after a while because of circumstances at home. When my aunt died she was the ONLY one I could talk to, and actually feel relived. Alot of people said stuff like"im here" but they werent, not really. Hade was like me, she would rather listen to other peoples problems, and try to help them than share her own, though I forced her to. Told her it was a 2way street, and she became like a sister to me. I think that I really only told a few people what I was going through, cause the rest of my "friends" would feel sad when death was mentioned. I dont know why im talking like this but I have to get it off my chest before I do something. I just don't know anymore. Its like i was cast off a ship into the middle of the ocean with no compass and no way of powering my boat. I guess its just that there is hardly anyone here tonight, and I just feel alone...and I scare myself with my thoughts when I'm alone. ALone in a group..ehehe kinda like my personal motto it seems. *looks at his buddy list* 170+ people And I am alone. And I gotta say this too...I had become friends with a guy, then a girl. The guy and girl got close, and wed have these chats with just the 3 of us...joking..laughing..all of that...but now it's as though I'm there out of kindness more than any genuine feeling. Kinda like a sig he made, originally for 3 people, but he summed it up, and all of my feelings when he said: "I tried it with 3, but it just didn't look right." That, my friend, was perfect. One last thing, and I'm outa here: Ever want to say something so bad that it hurt? Wanted to tell someone that it hurt for comments made that seemed harmless? Or simple actions? Who cares, ne? Current mood: depressed Current music: Garnet Crow (5 comments | comment on this) Saturday, October 26, 2002 9:03AM - Oy Schmoy... Well, I just got finished watching my first ever J-Drama. It turned out better than I could have hoped. From the very first episode just the style, so different from american, had me enthralled. Its about a young guy training as a doctor, along with 3 other people in the same hospitol. It has comedy, tears, (yes, tears), and I LOVED it. I have one more, called strawberry on the shortcake, which is supposed to be good. Oh, each series is only like 8 discs long, about an hour on each disc. But wow, it was great...off to watch something else, ja

04:51 a.m.
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
hehe, here this is funny. But, I do believe what it says...so..even though I'm not a virgin...
What Kind of Virgin Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

12:57 a.m.
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
Hiya Hiya



Oy..headaches abound. First, wen said we are building a house, now she sees one in town (where i dont really want to live) for sale, it's 3br 2 bath, large fenced in background, liveable shed, dining room, living, yada yada, for 65,000. Her brother currently owns it, so shes going to see what we can do about getting it. I don't know if I'd rather buy or build. Adult life sucks sometimes. Been making banners, though they all suck, nothing else much going on. Sooooo Ja!

12:24 a.m.
Friday, October 25, 2002
Ya know...I dont understand people sometimes. You know they are hurting, try to say something to make them feel better, cause you know it sucks, and they dont want to hear it. I may not have the right words all the time, but I care. Some people may not think so, or even care that I care, but I do. It really hurts to be shut out by people just because you dont say the exact right thing at the exact right moment. I'm not perfect, dont have perfect words, hell, half the time I dont even know what im saying, or atleast I seem that way, its hard putting your thoughts and emotions into a lifeless machine to convey to another person, or even in real life, you cant just hug someone like you would want to, cause it wouldn't really be right, but you would try your hardest..see i dont know what im talking about now. Oh well, guess ill go do somethin, ja.

12:48 a.m.
Friday, October 18, 2002
Yup


Don't feel good. People don't help. People misunderstand. People lose your hand. Hehe...dunno either. Been...a month since I posted here. What an interesting life I live. I work, i sleep, i surf the net, i spend time with family, I work. Eat in the middle. No one knows me, or cares to. But ima big boy, and only need to know me. which i dont, but thats besides the point.


Bwhahahaha....kinda pathetic..but I ceased caring. Or almost...

**********DO NOT READ IF YOU WISH TO THINK OF ME THE WAY YOU DO RIGHT NOW************** I was a mistake, I realized tonight while talking with someone. My mom and dad had sex, and she got pg, my grandfather forced them to get married, which explains alot, I now see. It now makes since that up until Iwas 5 my mom and dad lived in seperate towns, and i saw him on weekends, when hed give me, a 5 year old, a dollar, and tell me wo walk to the store and buy myself some candy. Meanwhile..they had..relations. that was of course between times when he was whereever he lived getting drunk off of cough syrup. wow, never knew i had this bitterness in me. Anyway, so he was a drunk, and yet they never divorced. then me, my mom, and older brother from a previous marrige moved from La to VA, him of course staying behind. I think we went down about 4 years later and i saw him for a few minutes. as soon as we got to his house he looked me over and said there was a sega in the other room, in which i was more than happy to go play. I think i said bye before we left again. well, then we saw him 4 years later when we moved back down here, but by that time he was in a nursing home due to 2-3 strokes, cancer, and very bad diabetes. I think i saw him a few times before he died. I really regret not getting to know him, or his past. i heard he wrote a book that was published back in the 60's. It sucks knowing that people suffered because of you. My mom couldnt get married again, because they didnt divorce, and i dont know what he did while down here. Its kind of interesting at the same time, cause that means i was pissing people off even before i had a name. Bottom line, I shouldnt be here. I was a moment of some sick passion, that happened to impregnate a woman. Someone once called my son a mistake, while i was in school, and i slammed him thru a concrete wall. But, when i think of someone calling me a mistake, it seems to fit. seems the reason im such a screw up, or destined to be a screw up. Life sucks, kill a bunny.

All that crap was just to say....i really dont know. Never told anyone all that stuff, i dont think. Just needed to get it out of my system.Sorry if you read it. if you didnt, your smarter than the person that did.

See ya next month ^_^

04:24 p.m.
Monday, September 16, 2002
Not much goin on lately..havn't had a chance to watch anime due to making web pages..>.<

05:37 a.m.
Saturday, September 14, 2002
Its been a few days since I wrote..not alot has gone on though..got my web site looking pretty darn good if I say so myself...and I do..sorta..its better than it was anyway ^_^ Time to get ready for work so...ja!

05:07 p.m.
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
Argh..I have a headache...and it hurts..*passes out*

Aside from that I got petites and a guys anime mailed out yesterday...me so happy ^^ And when I get the new stuff from chad I'll be even happier! WOOT!

On episode 9 of R.Kenshin, and I really like it.
*falls out holding head*
ARGHHHHH
Screamin doesnt help...nope not at all. Well, Ja!

07:32 a.m.
Monday, September 9, 2002
Ohayo! iiieeee....seven hours of sleep...WOOOT!

I just started watching Kenshin yesterday, got past 3 eps so far and I like it..at first I thought it was gonna be crazy, but he reminds me so much of Vash that im starting to really like it.

Well, got about 20 cds to copy so....ja!

09:31 a.m.
Sunday, September 8, 2002
BWAHAHAHA Just got finished watching Rizelmine, very nice anime to be only 12 eps long, but at the end it said season 2 was coming in october..so...Yippeee! Its cute but hey...I Like It! XD

08:05 a.m.
Saturday, September 7, 2002
Sigh....its been a rough few days, and its all in my Livejournal, so if you havnt seen it dont, your the lucky one =P cause you prolly wouldnt care anyway, hehe.


Not much to say really...or else I just cant find the words..sooo Ill sign out for now, write somemore laters. Ja.

04:54 a.m.
Wednesday, September 4, 2002
Ack....had to get my car fixed today...new tires (2 of em) alignment...another 200 bucks down the drain (watches it flush) and i feel crappy. Heh. BUT WOOOO MAN im watching Hack Sign and OMG this anime is ROCKING! WOOOOOT ok im done.

12:08 a.m.
Tuesday, September 3, 2002
Man this has been such a suckin day i dont know...ummm...well...Accidently deleted my account on animeyakl, lost all my posts, stuff, then today my car had a tire blow out, then i burnt my hands all up changing it becuase the lugnuts were about 300 degrees...gah....feel like breaking something. or just breaking period.

03:00 a.m.
Monday, September 2, 2002
sigh...all better...but ive got a headache and dont feel just right...and...think i need to make a seperate journal for personal stuff i guess..problems and junk..ah well. Hey shic, if you read this, thanks man.

02:11 a.m.
Monday, September 2, 2002
WHAT THE HELL This has got to be the most ive been confused in a long time. AND IT SUCKS like it hasnt in a LONG time..

08:24 a.m.
Sunday, September 1, 2002
huh....wha? O...hehe.

I'm at work, no, please, don't cry for me...please don't..hehe. Got 4 hours sleep last night and I feel pretty dang good. I think. Just had a couple of cokes so it may be the sugar talking..but then again I'm never hyper or anything..hmm...maybe I hit my head last night..Oh well hehe. Lesse..anything new...AHH Inu Yasha started playing on CN last night. I have 1-60 subbed so I didnt watch it but I heard the dubbing and edited were crap. *shrugs and grabs his cds *_* thank god for cds. Yes, im feeling a bit dingy this morning..it could be that ive only had 7 hours sleep in almost 72 O_O Holy mother of metal...remind me to not do math when im tired, cause now i feel sleepy. *runs into a wall* Ahh much better. I'm not sure if I should do impromptu poems anymore..but lets try it one more time folks.

You make me scream, make me cry
make me laugh and wonder why
you love this person, this man i call me
when i cant stand what I see
the person I am or who i was
seems not to matter to you because
this love you have, it holds me tight
though sometimes the feelings i fight
something like this shouldnt exist
but the look in your eyes, how can i resist
this awkwardness inside
the feelings i cant hide
please dont take them away, dont hurt this heart
erase this doubt, dont let them start
stop
these things im asking you could never do
for this person is me, not you
why look to you to heal this pain
when its only I that will lose or gain
so take me for who i am, let me do the rest
i may not be perfect, but i wil try my best
but you make me laugh, you make me sad
still..its the best feeling ive ever had
and if it was to end, with the setting of the sun
i will look back, and smile at what weve done.


whew. Now then, if that makes any sense to anyone...then you're smarter than me, cause i Shall not re-read it until later...my vow to myself. AHH explanation time! If anyone thats actually reading this is wondering about my random attacks of verse here it is:

I used to write alot, but started reading it and realized I sucked, so i stopped. Didn't write anything for 2 years except for 2 poems, one about abuse and one about being afraid, but they werent really me...so the other morning I decided to just write what came to my mind, and thus the impromptu crapto was born. Now then, if anyone is still reading this...MY GOD you must be bored..^^ Ja.

~Jace

08:10 a.m.
Saturday, August 31, 2002
mmm yep. Ok, I'm bored...

finished watching the VMA's last night..and I didnt like the fact No Doubt got one of the awards that someone else should have gotten..but o well, hehe. Gah...I have to go to the store and buy some cd's today so I can finish up some trades, then it's break time for me. I think. Probably not, cause its like a drug, once you start trading you just can't stop man...yup.
O hey look, I'll write another short, crappy poem for your viewing displeasure.
we all wear masks to hide who we are
dont want others to see that far
into who you are, what you are about
that yes you have fear, have doubt
you smile and carry on, as if everythings ok
afraid of what they may think, may say
you feel it slipping, pull it a little tighter
smile and you laugh, maybe grow a little quieter
yet all the while your eyes grow dmmer
suffering from the unseen, something inner
you shake off those feelings, please dont see
that darkness inside, the real me
focus on my smile, my words of joy
only see the silly side of this boy
for the other is frightened, alot of times afraid
sigh...never write your feelings in verse, for youll never be repaid.

lallalala Later~
~Jace

07:57 a.m.
Friday, August 30, 2002
Stupid web host...i dont know if its crashed or something..but no matter, I just switched to a new host. 250mg storage, 10gig transfer, only 7bucks a month. Its a lot more complicated though, hehe, but o well. Now I have to get nami and petite re-setup with sub domains....work work work XD love it ^^


O look, an impromtu poem, lets see how it goes:

eyes blue as rivers deep
soul open as windows weep
hands atremble as heart beats
shivering shaking as two lives meet
footsteps lead where paths are astray
together they walk them each day
try their best as only the can
storms clouds rage obscure land
still they walk on

mockingbirds sing song so sad
they think back to what they had
hands atremble hearts rythem
lives shrouded darkness in them
what will the next road lead to
together they walk, not one but two
storms clouds rage obscure the night
still they walk on

joy disappears as feelings flow
sightless lovers nowhere to go
hands atremble hearts break
lives tumulted with disceet and ache
the road ends a fork in its way
the choice is now to leave or stay
they walk alone, this road of life
storm clouds part, sun shines bright
still they walk on.

07:31 a.m.
Thursday, August 29, 2002
Another day down. Thats right, another one down. Watching music videos in the morning really relaxes you. A couple of my favs are American Girls by counting crows, and some crazy muppets song by weezer. Man, i like that video, it trips me up. In fact, on my satellite pvr, i recorded it, so when i get bored i watch it, hehe. Crazy, ne? After about 40 more minutes im going to bed, hehe.
Ah...and if anyone reads this that i was talking to last night...sorry, i get like that sometimes, you know, unsociable, and sorry if anyone misunderstood me. And nami, you know you dont. Yea, you know what im talking about. And if no one noticed anything different about me, then good! Shakira rocks!
laterz....p.s, i finished stage one of Steel Angel, it was really good. But, instead of going with stage 2 i started Chobits..hehe

12:27 a.m.
Thursday, August 29, 2002
WOOOT I love this new look, thanks nami! THANK YOU!! *GLOMP*



I shall write more tonight, o yes, I shall.